The End

Connor was found dead on September 5th, 2013 in Bristol. He died from blood loss. It was asked by his family that his suicide note be translated and shared. Parts have been removed. Comments are open to share condolences to his family and friends
-David John, the manager.

   I’m sorry that it has come to this.   

    I feel like I’m going mad at times. I’m uncertain if I’m in a dream, if maybe I’m supposed to wake up. I wonder if I’m in a coma, if I’m supposed to be someone else. If the agonizing pain I feel all over my body is my soul trying to escape me, and go somewhere better.  All I want to do is go somewhere else, to be someone else. If there is a God, maybe I’ll come back and fly kites, smile, have a proper childhood.  Maybe my mother will want me. Maybe my life won’t be so fucked, and my memories won’t torment me.

    I feel haunted. My life is good; it’s the past that haunts me. I’m not present; I live two lives at once. I see what is real, but the past is always lurking in the background. I see them, everywhere.  My memories don’t fade, like a photograph a single moment will live on forever. I see the moment he died everywhere, I remember his face when he died. I hear his last words over and over in my mind.  I hate him. I can’t concentrate because of the voices. I hear their screams in my mind all the time. I feel as though, if I’m not here they will rest as well. When I die, the memories of them will die along with me, they will be freed.

    I’m living in a post apocalyptic world. I’ve watched my friends die; I’ve watched everyone around me die. I remember screaming through a door for friends to stop, I remember the blood trickling beneath the door, indicating that my efforts meant nothing. Most of my efforts have meant nothing. I hope to see them all again, this time not in my dreams.

   My mind is foggy. I know it’s the drugs, but I would rather live in a haze of confusion than feel their beatings over and over again. I forget what I’m like. They once tortured me, and now I torture myself. I wake up at night, bleeding all over my body. I rip myself apart, trying to escape the jail I’m caught in. I hate myself. I hate what I’ve become. I’m a black cloud that drags everyone down along with me.

    To my family, you’re the most dysfunctional people to ever walk this earth. I feel as though my parents dying in a way wasn’t negative, because I found you. You raised me; you turned me into the person I am. You’re the strongest people I know, you’re going on while I can’t. I would have been gone years ago if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t have asked to spend my days with anyone but you, I have no regrets. All my childhood memories I have that involve happiness and laughter involve you. Ben, I love you to death. You’re the brother I’m supposed to have. You’re my other half. Without you, I’m nothing. You’re the constant in my life. I’ll see you soon; I’ll wait for you. Aiden, stay fucked. Keep yourself out of too much trouble. Try not to lose any more fingers. Matt, you’re a pig, you’re disgusting, I think I have herpes from your floor, you son of a bitch.  Sonny, I hope you find your voice. Knowing you even without words was a pleasure. Thank you boys. I’ll wait. We go down together.

    To the people I never met, the fact that I’m writing this to you says a lot in general. I feel pathetic doing this, but you’ve done so much for me and I’ve given you nothing in return. You’ve saved me so many times. In those times I felt so alone, you were there. You know my darkest secrets; you never judged me or found me disgusting, I wasn’t a monster to you, like I was to everyone else. Thank you.

    To my beautiful daughter, I hope you forget me. I hope you never realized who I was; I hope you never hear of what I have done. I hope you never become the useless, self-destructive person I am. I hope you break the curse. I’m sorry I never spent more time with you. I hope you grow up beautiful, smart, happy. I hope your family is everything I wish I could have given you. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you deserved, I’m sorry I’m doing to you what they did to me.

    Aron, I don’t think two people could have been happier than we had once been. You’re everything to me. You’ve made these last two years for me bearable. You bring me back to reality. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out. Waking up to your stupid face is all I could ever ask for; wrapped in a knot that’s impossible to untangle. I hope my afterlife is everything that reminds me of you, I hope it’s the calmness you bring me, I hope it’s that feeling I get every time I look at you, I hope it’s that silence I hear in my mind when I’m close to you. I can’t stand to be away from you for a second, I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I know I hurt you, I know I’m about to hurt you; I know I’m going to continue hurting you. I’m sorry. I love you so much. I want you to be free. I want you to explore. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you Aron. I’m never going to stop, I promise.

   I am selfishly taking the memories that once were, myself along with them. My motivation for getting up every day has been my fear for those who will have to bury me, and that they will go through what I once did. The fact is that I’m not getting better. I can’t pretend anymore. I’m not going to get better. I am crumbling apart, I feel as though I am slowly becoming nothing. I’m an empty vessel. It is easier to end things before they get worse, before I hurt more people than I already have. I feel so guilty, I feel so much fear. I don’t want to cause sadness, I want those who read this to live the life I wish I could have had. I want no more death. I feel so much guilt.

    Sunny, you ruined me. You lied to me. You tore me apart in every way. I hope we burn in our own self-pity together. You told me you would wait, so here I come.  I hate you for taking away everything I loved.

    I’m about to take a great adventure. I will miss you all. I hope we meet again, in due time.

-Damek Kwiatkowski

You’ll find me on his grave.