Another blog post that will make me seem insane? Yup…
An eidetic memory is
the ability to recall images, sounds and scents with extreme accuracy. An
eidetic memory isn’t a photographic memory; a photographic memory is the ability
to take a “snapshot” of a specific event. An eidetic memory is…like a movie. It’s
like your memory is taking a video of the event, except you can smell and hear
everything around you. In my case, I can feel as well. As I replay a memory, I
can feel the wind, the humidity the temperature and people as they brush me. I believe
I have a bit of an extreme case, so I’m not speaking for everyone’s experience
of an eidetic memory, just my own. I remember everything about my life, every
second, every conversation, and every touch.
Photographic memory:
Eidetic memory:
(A+ for the Harry Potter reference, c'mon.)
I couldn’t tell you
the exact date I started to remember vividly, but I believe I was around a year
old. I was in my crib in an orphanage. I was wearing navy blue ripped up wool
socks, a cloth diaper and a white shirt with a duck on it. The window beside me
was open, it was winter so I was freezing without a blanket and crying. A girl
about 8 years old, with long brown hair wearing a long white nightgown walked
into the room I was in and put her blanket over me. Her fingers were blue from
the cold and she smelled like cotton. I’m not sure why that particular memory
is the first that stands out.
I can recall memories from earlier on, but
they aren’t vivid so I’m not 100% they’re real or if I’m just trying to
convince myself they actually happened. I can only see and hear the memories
from earlier on, but they’re blurry, loud and about two seconds long. For
example, one memory I see is what I believe to be a person flying at a wall,
hitting it and blood on the ground. There are black dots all over it, it’s extremely
blurry and it’s extremely loud with almost static sounds in it. I’m not sure it’s
real…but…it’ something. The worst part about this all is that I can remember
everything except what matters the most to me, I have never seen what my
parents look like.
I can memorize all
details of a specific event, but if I don’t know something, it won’t show up.
An example would be reading, signs and books from memories where I couldn’t
read yet are just huge blurs. I have a memory from when I was about two where I’m
being taken to a new orphanage. I can tell you everything about the building,
but the sign in front of it is just a big blur because I didn’t know how to
read at the time. It’s weird, because I can see the word...but I can’t process
it. I will never be able to go back and look at that memory to see what it says
because I didn’t understand. Even in recent memories of when I went to Korea
are like that, all the signs just aren’t there.
I don’t have to use
mnemonic devices to bring a memory up (like singing the alphabet to remember
alphabetical order) to remember things. I just KNOW without using anything to
remember, kind of like someone remembers their name. This is kind of hard to explain because I
don’t know what it’s like to not have an eidetic memory, so mind my weird
explanations. I kind of think of my brain as a filing cabinet. I have some
memories that are more available than others; they’re always there and can
replay easily. The memories that aren’t used as often are still readily
available and just as vivid, I just have to “dig through the filing cabinet” to
find them. Anything that I don’t focus on for a second won’t be fully developed
in a memory. If I walk down the street I can remember specifics of the faces I
looked at, but the background faces are black blobs, or are faces that aren’t
developed, it might just be a blank face with hair or just one eye. It freaks
me out to see this so when I’m out in public I people watch…in kind of a creepy
way…
As you can imagine
this makes studying pretty easy. When I read, I don’t read every word. I just
have to take a quick glance at the page and I have all the information I need.
Reading a 1000 page book will take me about 10 minutes. If I’m reading for
recreation I’ll actually read it because it’s fun, but if I’m just studying I
won’t. Most people spend weeks studying for exams; I spend about an hour just
flipping through my textbooks. I don’t have to go to class to pass, which is
why I can stay in school while I’m on tour. As I do a test or exam all I have
to do is recall the images of the textbook or the “sound clips” of my professor
speaking and I’m perfectly fine.
I have a 108%
average because of my memory…yes, it’s possible. I have a PhD in fine arts and
I’ve been in university courses since I turned 14. It’s not because I’m smart,
it’s just because I can’t forget anything. In my opinion I’m pretty stupid. I constantly
feel like I’m cheating, and since I’m in medical school I almost feel like I
shouldn’t be allowed to work on people, I memorize the information but I’m
totally paranoid I’ll forget it all one day and be useless. I believe my
memories and information I actually know is separate. It’s like what I study is
just a memory, not something I actually know.
Knowing everything
right away can make school extremely boring, so my favourite classes are maths
and grammar. History and biology drive me insane because it’s straight up
memorization, so I know the entire course in the first 20 minutes. With maths
the answer is always different, so it’s fun to me. It’s like solving a puzzle. Grammar
gives me a chance to voice my own opinion and not just regurgitate information,
which is refreshing. I don’t like medical school because it’s just
memorization, but I feel like it’s necessary for me to be in it because I’ll
actually be able to make a difference. I’m very into art and music because when
I do it myself, it’s finally something new. Having a 108% average means that I
don’t ever get things wrong on assignments/ tests. I have everything available
to me, so it’s right. If I get something wrong it will drive me fucking insane,
if you want to make me lose my mind, just point out something that I did wrong.
Languages are in a
way, impossible to memorize. English is something that I’ve had the most
difficulty with. I memorize the dictionary, I memorize the rules, but
memorizing grammar isn’t possible because there isn’t a set pattern. I NEVER
speak English so it’s not something I can practice either.
In social situations I just find it easier to say “I forget” instead of
explaining something twice because it just frustrates me. Sometimes I just say
I forget because I just like to hear people talk. It frustrates me to explain
things twice because I just don’t understand what having a normal memory is
like. It’s kind of like relating to someone with siblings when you’re a single
child. People get freaked out by what I remember so I usually try and dumb things
down. Once I recognized someone from high school and described what they were
wearing the last time I saw them…they thought I was a stalker.
Having schizophrenia makes having an eidetic memory really confusing. I
remember all my schizophrenic episodes, so I’m not sure if some memories are
real or just my schizophrenia. When I have schizophrenic episodes my memories
are often used in them, like it’s contaminating my good memories. I’ll try and
recall a good memory when I’m having an episode, then horrible things start
happening in that memory. After it’s finished, I’m left with two memories, one
good and one bad. When I try and recall the memory to comfort myself again I might
recall the bad one instead.
My personal favourite thing about having an eidetic memory is that flights
and car trips don’t get boring. If I really need to I can recall a book and
read it again, or watch a film again. Of course it gets boring reading/
watching things twice...but it’s something. Sometimes I just memorize the pages
of a book without reading it so that I can read it in my head on a flight.
Of course having an eidetic memory isn’t all that great. Most of the
time it’s honestly hell. Reminiscing about the past with friends is boring
because I already have the entire memory “saved”. People can’t lie to me about
things they’ve said, I can’t just “get over” things because I can’t forget what
happened in the first place. I’ll never be able to forget things that happened
in my past, the abuse I went through as a kid. It always pops back up in full
detail. I have to relive the abuse over and over.
The worst thing is that since I’m constantly taking in information and
memorizing it, I “overload”. If I retain too much information in one day I
start to forget how to perform simple tasks. I start to forget how to walk, how
to talk, how to hold things. I can’t do anything buy lay in bed until my brain
is relaxed again. I get massive migraines from all the information, so bad that
I can’t open my eyes. I almost always have headaches because of it, but it gets
unbearable if I take in too much information. In order to avoid this I go out
of my way to try and not memorize things. Taking in memories only uses one part
of my brain, which makes abstract and simple principles hard to understand, so
to avoid doing it I have to think of everything mathematically. Instead of
looking at the way a building looks, I think of it in terms of its height,
width and stability.
When I first started university I had one eight hour history class that
I couldn’t EVER go to because I would overload on information every single time
and couldn’t find my way home. Every time I went to it, I would have to sleep on
the street because I was lost and couldn’t figure out where I lived.
Overloading happens so much it’s almost ridiculous, especially on tour when I’m
taking in a whole new city every day.
In all, I would rather not have an eidetic memory. I would like to know things
and not just memorize them. Overloading can be embarrassing because I look
stupid, and abstract concepts confuse me when anyone else can understand them. To
everyone who tells me they wish they had it…be glad you don’t. Be happy you can
forget the bad sides of people and only remember the good sides of them.
Sorry if I'm leaving something out, it's hard to explain my memory when I have nothing to compare it to.
