Sunny Matthews

  Sunny and I met December 22nd 2003, when we were 12 years old in Næstved, Denmark. Sunny had just been expelled from his school in Bristol, England for refusing to wear a uniform, so his parents forced him to choose a boarding school in Western Europe, far enough to not have to deal with him, close enough to keep an eye on him. His mum would never admit that he was expelled so I’ve always sworn to go with the “we met in England” story…whoops.

   His aunt lived in Copenhagen, so his mum sent him to stay with her over the Christmas holidays so he could experience the “best time of the year” at the school and decide if that was where he wanted to choose that particular boarding school. 

  I was stuck at the school until December 24th because the orphanage I was staying in at the time couldn’t afford to pay for a plane ticket straight away. I was quite happy about it, until I found out that I would have to serve hors d'oeuvre at the Christmas party the school was throwing.

   Halfway through the party I decided I couldn’t deal with the self righteous guests anymore and decided to go downstairs to hide out with the rest of the students stuck at the school. I ended up sitting against the stairs and falling asleep. I was awoken by Sunny literally falling from the stairs and onto my lap. I swear, the first time I saw him it was like everything had been erased from my past, like I was just reborn again. He just smiled and said hi, completely casual. At this point my English was just basic, I could barely hold a conversation, so I just chose to go with the silent approach and just stared awkwardly. He grabbed my hand and just dragged me elsewhere. 

  He asked me to show him around the school so I just walked him around, not saying anything, while he told me literally everything about him. He decided he liked me because I was a good listener. I took him to the roof which was completely not allowed and we….well he…just talked until dark. His aunt was apparently looking for him for hours, because when she finally barged out of the school in exasperation from looking for him she threw her head back, and saw us. She forbade him from ever seeing me again, it was of course my fault he chose to “run away”. Before Sunny left, he promised we would see each other again, and he’d be back. 

  That night I snuck into the library and stole an English dictionary. I spent the next week memorizing it, learning every bit of English I possibly could. I forced my English friends at the orphanage to only speak English to me. By the end of the week I was decent, I definitely wasn’t any good but I could at least hold a conversation…badly. 

  I flew back to boarding school on New Year’s Day. On the plane ride it hit me that I had been learning English to speak to a boy. I had never heard of guys liking guys before, so I thought there was something wrong with me. Eventually I decided I was overreacting, I was just excited to meet someone new.
  When I arrived in Copenhagen I was dropped off at the train station. As I sat down in my cabin Sunny suddenly rushed in. He decided to go to school in Denmark because of that one night. I was completely overjoyed. We spent the train ride together; he just made fun of my horrible English the entire time. 

  We were sent to a new year’s banquet when we arrived at the school. Sunny dragged me out and we sat in my year’s common room. He asked me if I was gay, I had no idea what that meant so I just said yes. He kissed me and just said “Okay you’re my boyfriend now”. I don’t know why, but I just went along with it. 12 years old, so ridiculous. I decided I didn’t like guys, it was just Sunny, it was different. From that moment on we were inseparable. I couldn't be away from him, he was like a drug. Everything about him made everything about me change in such a positive way.

  We spent the next two years dating in secret because we didn’t want anyone finding out we were gay. Every time I switched schools, he would threaten his parents that he would run away if they didn’t put him in the same school as me. We would sneak out in the middle of the night and meet up. I always wondered why we never had the same common rooms, dorms, or dinners; we were both boys in the same year after all. 

  I found out why on Valentine’s Day when we were 14 years old. For the first time he agreed to sneak into my dorm room with me. I guess I tried to take it a little too far because he started freaking out. He told me that he wasn’t actually a boy; he was actually born a girl, Priscilla Matthews. Sunny had never been a girl, mentally at least. From the time he could dress himself he would put on boys clothes and played with trucks, refusing dolls. He was expelled from his first school for wearing the uniform; he didn’t want to wear a skirt. His parents, being very conservative, completely banned it, sending him to a psychiatrist to “fix” him. His twin sister, Porscha, and two older sisters, Jessica and Mercedes, supported him. They would steal clothes from guys for him to switch into once he got to school. 

  At this point I had just come to terms that I was gay, and to be completely honest it NEVER bothered me that Sunny wasn’t physically a guy. You don’t fall in love with someone because of their appearance, you fall in love with them for their mind, and Sunny’s mind was male. He told me to just leave him because of it. He was my best friend, he was my first HUG. He was literally everything to me. Obviously I stuck around. 

  His parents came to visit that year and he chose to introduce me to them. Huge mistake. His parents instantly hated me…I can understand why. I was a tattooed 14 year old going through my emo phase. They thought I was ruining him and took him and all of his sisters out of boarding school. His mum chose to home school them, and they weren’t allowed any interaction with the outside world. This lasted for about three months before his sister, Jessica, attacked his mum with a kitchen knife.

  We were never perfect. We constantly fought and broke up, only to come running right back to each other. We had one of our biggest arguments when we were 15 years old, because I kissed one of my girl friends on the cheek. I swore I would never go back to him, in my mind he was being completely irrational. We got back together two weeks later. He was terrified I would change my mind again and stopped taking hormones to help transition him to male and poked holes in all my condoms. I didn’t find out about this until two years later. 

  The first person he told he was pregnant was his mum. She took him out of school once again and pressured him to get an abortion. Sunny was against drugs, alcohol, or any medical intervention. He ran away. His mum let him go back to school, but swore she wouldn’t help with any expenses or help us take care of it. We were both in boarding school and couldn’t leave at any point to have a job. We found ways to make money, I won’t get into it. 

  Once our daughter, Vika…or Reina…was born Sunny’s mum banned me from seeing her or Sunny. I didn’t see them for 6 months. Sunny’s mum completely took over my daughter’s life and I couldn’t do anything about it until I was 18. 

  Sunny got really sick with lung cancer when we were 17. I will ALWAYS blame myself for it. He never smoked, I was the one constantly lighting up around him. It was a fucking nightmare. He was always wheezing, he could hardly swallow, and he would constantly cough up blood. It was like I was watching him slowly die. I got into my dream school, Juilliard, and decided not to go because he was too sick and was refusing any treatment. 

  Eventually it got so bad that he could barely stay awake for more than two hours at a time and he couldn’t eat. He finally decided to get the surgery. The surgery went amazingly and he was back on his feet in a week, which was insane. Then a month later we found out it was malignant. It was going to come back. 

  When I turned 18 I was taken out of my orphanage and was forced to move in with friends. Sunny chose to come with me; he REFUSED to go back to his parents. When he told them, they told him he wasn’t welcome back home anyways until he broke up with me. He did everything in his power to get our daughter into my possession and away from his mum, he was so scared he was going to die and she would be stuck with her. Once that was out of the way the cancer completely took hold. He was back to hardly being able to stay awake. I guess that’s when he gave up. 

 On July 15th 2009 he woke up supposedly feeling better. He wanted to take a walk to the store alone to get some fresh air, I told him it wasn’t safe…eventually he convinced me to just let him go alone. I’m a fucking idiot. Around 20 minutes later I heard a huge crash and the most disturbing scream I have ever heard in my life. I sprinted downstairs and saw my brother’s girlfriend, Zoe, against the wall screaming in fetal position…staring into the closet. When I looked in I saw Sunny hanging, neck ripped open, whites of his eyes a deep purple. He was still alive. I took him down and got my brother to call for an ambulance. It felt like the ambulance took hours to come, and I just had to sit there listening to him choke and watch him bleed. When the paramedics came they did nothing. They took him to the hospital with no pain medication; they didn’t even try and stop the bleeding. When we got to the hospital once again...they did nothing. Not one attempt to stop the bleeding. No morphine to stop the pain. It took over an hour for him to die. I had to watch his eyes glaze over. We were together for 5 years. 

    Everyone says that it gets better as time goes on, but I can honestly say it doesn’t. He was literally the only one I had; he got me through my darkest times. I know I’ve become a completely different person since he died and I hate it. 

  I guess this is pretty much just for everyone who was wondering who the hell I keep talking about.  

I'm not really the best at describing the way it used to be, so I'll just throw in his suicide note and a note I wrote to him if you want to read more...V

Note from me

Sunny, You're always on my mind, I think about you all day long, when I wake up and before I go to sleep at night. I love the way you put your arms around me and kiss and cuddle me and just hold me so tight You make me feel so amazing, the feeling you give me no one else could ever give me. I go to bed cuddling up to your pillow just so I feel closer to you, and I wear your top (:.
Its so cute how when I fall asleep with you, you kiss me tell me that you love me, then give me dirty looks until i say it back, then you let me go back to sleep You’re so perfect, there seriously isn’t a thing in this world I would ever change about you, You’re seriously so amazing you have such an amazing personality and you are so gorgeous I’m so lucky to have you, and I really know I am. There is nothing more I could ever want, I’ve found everything in you Sunny. I still now after so long I get butterflies when you go to hold my hand
I feel like I can tell you anything and I feel so relaxed around you and so comfortable too. I feel like even when my hairs a mess I really don’t care anymore because I know you love me for me..I love how we are such dickheads with each other, like pretending were dead… seeing who can resist the longest… play fighting… and just the things we do
I know we’ve had some right shit times but I think we’ve come out stronger and we just seem to get happier and happier. No matters how down or upset I am you always know how to bring a smile to my face. Actually you have the most amazing smile ever Sunny.
.
I would be so lost without you Sunny, you really are my everything. You’re my addiction, I am so addicted to you. I would never do anything to hurt you either and I just hope you never hurt me baby. I love the way you kiss me and touch my face and it’s just so cute. I’ve fallen for you, I’m in love and I never want you to break my heart and I’m so worried that because we are so close if you ever do let me go I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
Your names so apropriate. :)
I love you, and i know this is pure cornflakes. but i DO always win, so you can shut up now :p


Suicide note
So i'm sure i'll be dead by the time you read this.
This isn't YOUR fault. this isn't *anyones fault* i'm dead because i didn't want to die from cancer. And i'm not going to lie, i'm scared of doing it.
Connor i love you so much, you mean the world to me. Like there is NO ONE who could've made me happier than you made me. Your absolutely perfect, no denying it. Your so gorgeous, your so nice, and your so caring. you were the ONLY one who didn't judge me. You loved me for me and thats all i could ever ask for. I think about you all the time, and your the only one i could've ever wished to have. In a way i think your my guardian angel, i couldn't have lived this long if i didn't have you to wake up beside every morning. You know how everyone always talks about finding soul mates? Well i found mine. Its you. I'll be watching you.
I can't wait to watch you go to university, graduate, meet someone that your going to be head over heels for and maybe even see some little Connors running around. :)
So i guess i'll see you in hmm..70 or so years when you die of old age :) i'll be waiting for you
I love you so much babe, i'll never ever forget you.
-Sunny.