If you are sensitive, PLEASE don’t read this, I kept in a
few details I probably shouldn’t have. Once again, this is going to make you
think I’m completely insane…I understand why.
____
If you know anything about me, you know that I’m not exactly
the most careful person. I’m always putting myself in stupid situations. To be honest, I don’t care what happens to me.
In a way, I encourage death.
Nobody in my family has lived past 21. Everyone has had a
child before 17 and commit suicide/ died in some tragic accident before 21. It
seems like my brother and I are on the same path, my daughter was born when I
was 15 and my brother had his kids at 17. I used to dread it, but honestly, I couldn’t
care less anymore.
I started dating a complete asshole when I turned 18, he was extremely mentally and physically abusive. It was right after Sunny died; I was completely numb at the
time and believed I deserved it. I didn’t care what he did to me, I just needed
someone there. It started when we went to Sweden for Christmas. I can’t even
explain what he did, it’s the one thing I can’t talk about, but I just
completely lost it. I just went through 18 years of constant abuse, and the
second I was free from it, it started all over again, but this time I was
choosing it.
I left where I was staying with him and checked into a
neighbouring hotel. As soon as I entered my room I rushed towards the bathroom,
sat in the empty bathtub and proceeded not only to cut my wrists, but to rip
out all the veins I could in my arms and legs. Almost instantly I regret my
decision, but I couldn’t stand up. Within minutes everything got cold, so
unbearably cold. I looked down at my hands and they were a shade of grey. I was
sitting in about five inches of my own blood. It got so cold that I couldn’t
move, and couldn’t stop myself from slipping underneath the mixture of water
and blood. Everything went black.
I opened my eyes and I was no longer staring at the bathroom
tiles across from me. I was staring down at my own body. I was grey, unmoving,
hair soaked in my own blood. Blood was overflowing from the bathtub, moving
across the room. I followed the trail of blood to the door; the door was
glowing, white light streaming in. I looked into the bathroom mirror, confused,
and saw nothing. I realized I felt nothing, had no control over my limbs, I didn't even have limbs. I was
nothing.
I moved towards the door, I have no idea how, I just did,
careful not to look back at the scene behind me. The door opened as I
approached. The room that should have been there was replaced by nothing, just
white. As I entered the whiteness, the door slammed shut behind me. The white
turned to black.
I woke up back in my body. Once again, I was blinded by a
white light. Assuming I was in a hospital I moved my arms, trying to adjust the
IV. There was no IV. I looked down at my arms, for a third time, and nothing
was there. My new cuts weren’t there, my scars weren’t there, my tattoos weren’t
there, I had normal arms. I realized that I wasn’t in any pain, I actually felt
extremely good. Checking out my surroundings I realized I was…well…in nothing.
Everything around me was never ending white, and I was sitting in a small
wooden chair. It was cold, not in a bad way though. It was like I was at the
top of a mountain in the winter. I wasn’t scared at all…I was at peace for the
first time. I can’t even explain the calm, I felt so free, the weight of the
world lifted from my shoulders. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing, until I
saw Sunny.
“I met your mum. I like her.” was the first thing he said to
me. I was in complete shock, what do you do when you see someone you lost 6
months before? He climbed into my lap and started tracing my face with his
fingers. He looked better than I’d ever seen him, his skin was almost glowing.
Like me, he had no scars; the cut from where he hung himself wasn’t there. He
was wearing the same thing as the night he died, but his clothing was clean,
the blood stains were gone. He smelled exactly like I remembered though. I
couldn’t say anything…I didn’t even know what to say. I just touched him, his
skin cold, like glass. He started crying, his tears weren’t liquid though, and
they hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces.
I asked him if I was dead, he just smiled said “Don’t go”,
his breath hitting my face like someone had just pushed my face into snow. I
asked him if this was real, or if I had just lost it. “I can’t prove anything
is real. Tell my sister I want to know what she wants on her bagel”, his laugh
echoed in the nothing. I questioned him; he just made me promise I’d do it. I
tried asking him about the afterlife, he avoided all questions. I asked where
everything was, where everyone was. He told me I hadn’t put anything there yet.
I still have no idea what that means.
We just stayed there holding each other for what seems like
days. I wasn’t willing to lose him again, it was unbearable without him. He
told me about my mum, they’d become extremely close, as they were about the
same age. He made sure never to tell me what…this…was. I told him about our
daughter, he just cried.
He told me over and over again that he wish he never did it.
He regrets it every second of his…”life”?
“Being in hell with you is better than an eternity of perfection without
you.” He told me the first few weeks after he died were the worst, he didn’t
tell me why, but he said it was hell, and considering where we were…I think he
may have actually been serious.
It was perfect. It was like my thoughts didn’t exist, I
could only stay in the moment. I had no worries, no pain. My body felt amazing,
I could do anything and it wouldn’t hurt. My broken nose was straight again.
The air was incredible there, it tasted like every delicious thing mixed into
one. I didn’t have to breathe if I didn’t want to. There was no night, there
was no day. I didn’t have to sleep, I never got hungry and I never got thirsty.
Sunny was physically a boy, he was everything he had ever wanted. He was so
proud of it too. I was so happy, I’ve never been as happy as I was there. It
didn’t feel like a dream, I was so aware, I still don’t think it was a dream.
My skin was like porcelain, but I didn’t seem to have weight. We just ran
around like maniacs, in complete bliss.
Suddenly everything went black. Sunny disappeared and my
real eyes opened, I saw a flash of a hospital room and then I went back to
where I was with Sunny. The whiteness was shattering, falling like pieces of
glass to the ground to reveal patches of black. Sunny was screaming and ran at
me, holding me like he would never let go. It went black again, and for a split
second I was back in the hospital room again. Then I came right back to Sunny,
he was crying and screaming once again. He asked me, in a complete state of
panic, if I wanted to stay. I said yes, once again I asked if this was heaven,
finally he answered my question, “That comes after this”. I asked him what this
was, and suddenly I was back in the hospital, then right back to him again. I
begged him to stay. He told me not to, I’d be stuck in the white nothing for
eternity. I wanted to be in an eternity of nothing with him more than anything.
He asked me if I was sure I wanted to stay. I said yes, once again, completely
confident in my decision. He said “I don’t
want that for you”. He started cracking like the room was, leaving patches of
nothing. I started screaming, begging to stay. He promised he’d come again, I
had no idea what that meant. He said he’d be waiting for me until it was the
right time. It went black again. I could hear him screaming, begging me to come
back, not to leave him again, that he was sorry. I woke up in a hospital bed.
According to my doctor I had died three times. I was in a
coma for three days. I had over 200 stitches on my body. I was so miserable;
all I wanted to do was go back. I didn’t want to be alive; I don’t want to be
alive. I tried to kill myself 4 more times in the two weeks I was at the hospital,
he never came back.
I called his sister the second I was allowed and told her
everything. Naturally, she thought I was insane…until I told her that he wanted
to know what she wanted on her bagel. She immediately started crying. That was
the last thing he ever said to her. I had no idea.
We started discussing everything that happened, I told her
everything that Sunny said, he had told me stories of himself that he’d never
told me when he was alive. She confirmed them all.
Almost one year ago, I had moved to Nice, France, and had
completely given up on seeing him again. Until he came to me in a dream. I fell asleep one night and was back in the
whiteness. Sunny was there, looking panicked. This time I couldn’t touch him or
move. He smiled, saying he promised he would come back, and then told me to get
out of the flat the second I woke up. I woke up startled, my ex sitting above
me, phone in hand. He told me I wasn’t breathing. I made him leave the flat
with me…I should’ve left him.
That morning we found out that the entire building had
flooded. We were lucky we got out, the floor beside the stairs had collapsed in
and we would have been trapped.
___________
I’m really uncomfortable posting thing tbh. I’m not trying
to make a religious statement with this at all, and I don’t expect you to
believe this happened because I died. I still don’t know what to think of it,
sometimes I still think it happened in my mind…but in a way I KNOW it happened.
You can think I’m insane all you want; it’s obvious that I am.
I’ve always been a Catholic and believed in heaven and hell.
I don’t know what to think anymore.
