Reposting this because I've been getting too many emails about deleting it. I know this makes me sound completely mad or on crack, it's all good.
*I suggest you read this and this first if you want this post to make any sense
I don’t know if it’s the drugs, my mental state or that I
just miss him, but lately I’ve been having constant dreams about Sunny, which
is a HUGE change from my nightmares. I never see him in my dreams, all I see is
blackness. I hear his voice echoing, telling me that he needs me, and asking me
to come see him. I always ask how I’m supposed to come see him, and he just
replies “Am I allowed?”, but at that point I wake up.
At one point my entire flat went freezing cold, the air felt
like water. My roommate could feel it too; the air seemed to have a life of
itself. It was as if it was breathing. That night I dreamt of Sunny again, this
time he just kept repeating that he was sorry, that he shouldn’t be bothering
me.
Going to the Olympic opening ceremony probably wasn’t the
best idea because I have epilepsy. It didn’t really hit me until I got back to
my hotel. I always know when I’m about to have a seizure, so I tried to make my way to
my bed. I was extremely dizzy, the entire room was spinning and everything
seemed to move in slow motion. Apparently I hit the ground a few steps before I
reached the door to the bedroom, but I don’t remember that. Usually everything
would go black or cloudy, but this time it didn’t. I had no idea anything had
actually happened…I just felt like someone hit me in the stomach and I got
winded, a huge cloud of white dust came out of my mouth and faded into the air.
Since there was no other change, I continued on my way to the door.
I heard sounds behind me and turned around before I reached
the door. Everything around me seemed to just be…hazy. The furniture didn’t
seem to really be there, it was as if everything was just air…ghostly. I saw my
boyfriend and Ben, more in ghostly form…like dust, bend down to the ground and
start panicking, calling my name. Their voices came out as echoes, like they
were a million miles away. I moved forwards to touch my boyfriends shoulder and
ask what was wrong, but my hand seemed to just go through him. At my “touch” he
jumped and looked around, but went back to whatever was on the floor just a
moment later. I found out later that my body was on the floor.
I decided to continue my way towards the bedroom door,
thinking I was, once again, just losing my mind. When I opened the door a
breeze hit my face, and sun almost blinded me. I stepped into what was beyond
the door, and it slammed behind me...but the door didn’t disappear this time. It
took me a moment to take in my surroundings; I was still extremely dazed and
confused. I realized I was standing in grass, the greenest grass I had ever
seen. The door I came in from wasn’t held by walls, it was standing alone. The
door was in a valley full of flowers, it seemed to rest on a hill. Beyond the
valley was a forest...the forest wasn’t dark and intimidating, it was inviting
and warm. The trees looked surreal, massive with branches that looped and curl
around, the roots coming out of the ground thick, creating patterns on the
forest floor. The trees were a magnificent shade of green, not one leaf out of
place. It wasn’t a rain forest, but the trees looked big enough to belong in
one. A dirt path went through the center of the forest, leading to the
mountains behind it. The mountains were huge; snow at the top. They looked like
the mountains you would find in New Zealand, magnificent and surreal. The sky
was the most beautiful shade of blue I had ever seen, the clouds big and
fluffy. The air was so clean that it almost burned my nose.
I chose to walk the opposite way of the forest, through the
valley and the long grass. I felt something pushing me to move, I absolutely
couldn’t stay there, and decided that if I went through the forest I would have
to climb a mountain if I wanted to keep going. I finally reached the end of the
long grass and found myself atop a hill, overlooking a body of water. There
were mountains enclosing the water in a circular shape, with a space between
them opposite the side of the beach, where the body of water seemed to connect
to an ocean. Vines climbed the sides of the mountains. The sun was setting in
the opening, giving the turquoise water streaks of orange and pink. It’s almost
impossible to explain, but I have never seen just a beautiful sight.
Across from the opening in the mountains was what seemed to be
a shipyard. The wooden dock looked like it could house about 5 massive ships,
but there was only one. The boat was old looking, and looked like it could
belong to pirates. The sails blew like silk in the breeze. Sitting on the edge
of the dock looking towards the ocean was a blonde head…that was no doubt
Sunny's.
I raced down the hill towards the dock, constantly falling,
but never hurting myself. I should have broken my neck by the way I was
falling, but it didn’t hurt at all. I was bare foot, but didn’t cut myself on
any of the rocks below me. The land ahead of me seemed to shorten so I arrived
more quickly than I should have.
When I reached the dock Sunny was sitting on I stopped
running, hesitating. I moved slowly towards him. When I was just a few feet
behind him I stopped, I could barely breathe. Having a chance to see the person
I care about more than anything was…overwhelming. I tried gathering my
thoughts, it had to be a dream but it was so clear and I was so…aware.
He was the first to talk. He didn’t look at me and said “Do
you think I should go?” I tried to gather myself and not freak out like the
last time, not wanting to ruin my chance of seeing him again, so I sat down
beside him on the edge of the dock. The water didn’t feel like…water. It felt
like silk and didn’t seem to get my feet wet. Sunny looked…perfect. His skin
once again looked like porcelain, but this time it had life in it. His eyes
were like glass. He looked literally flawless, not a hair was out of place.
When I went to grab his hand, it felt like skin unlike the last time…but mine
didn’t. This time I was the one with glass skin.
I asked him where he was thinking of going. He just turned
his head to the boat. I asked him where the boat was going, and he pointed
toward to the space in the mountains, where the sun was setting and the water
never seemed to end. I asked him what was there, he just shrugged and replied “Beyond.”
He told me he was meant to go there, move on. He had no idea what was there…but
it was better. I asked him if it was heaven, and he just smiled at me. I asked
him where we were if heaven was beyond the mountains. He just shrugged and told
me it changed a lot, the landscape in some areas would turn into something
different and people would visit. The dock and the boat never changed, they
were always there.
Naturally, I asked if I was dreaming. He told me this was
real, but I wasn’t really there, he was though. That’s why my skin felt like
porcelain, I was an empty vessel. Only parts of me were there. I asked him if I
was dead, he just laughed and said no, he was just borrowing me.
I asked him why he didn’t get on the boat after all this time;
he told me he didn’t want to leave me. He said he knew how I was doing and part
of him still lived while he was there, but he didn’t know what would happen if
he got on the boat. All he knew was that he would die if he got on the boat,
and wouldn’t be a part of the physical world anymore. When Sunny started to cry the sun suddenly went
fully down, and the moon appeared. Storm clouds came in and it started to rain.
The rain wasn’t miserable though. It was warm and was more like a blanket than
cold nothing.
He once again asked me if he should get on the boat, I told
him that he should. The rain started to pour, harder than I’d ever seen it
rain. Lightening struck close by and waves started to for, in the ocean. Sunny
seemed angry, and started asking me if I wanted to forget him, if I wanted him
to die, if I was over him. I told him that he should go because it was best for
him, and that it would be impossible for me to forget him. All of a sudden the
sky cleared, the dark clouds seemed to be sucked away and the sun replaced the
moon.
He told me that he didn’t want to go without me, he was
afraid we wouldn’t be able to find each other again. I promised that we would.
He just sighed and started asking me about our daughter and what I was doing
with my life. I tried asking him about where we were, but he once again avoided
it, explaining that he didn’t have life therefore it wasn’t relevant.
We sat there for what seemed like hours. The sun didn’t go
fully down, nor did it rise. It seemed to be permanently in sunset position, luring
us out into the ocean.
Sunny told me that he was sorry for bringing me there, that
he wasn’t allowed to do such things. He knew that he should let me move on, but
like me, he couldn’t let go. I told him that I don’t mind. This place I was in
was perfect; it brought a sense of calm over me. I could have easily stayed
there for eternity, not even exploring the rest of the place, I’m sure I would
have been content just staying on the dock with him.
Finally, Sunny told me that he should bring me back. I told
him that I didn’t want to go back, he told me that I couldn’t stay because I
wasn’t dead, I was just in-between. Reluctantly, I followed him back up the
hill and away from the water. In my head I kept wishing we would never arrive,
every time I did so the ground seemed to stretch out more, making the trip to
our destination last for hours. Sunny seemed to know what I was doing, and just
apologized. He climbed on my back and I carried him the rest of the way. He
didn’t weigh anything, so it wasn’t difficult to climb over the rocks.
When we reached the door we both hesitated. I heard Sunny’s
voice in my head asking me not to go, but he was telling me to open the door in
“reality”. I kissed him before I left, and he asked me if I wanted him to prove
this wasn’t a dream like the last time. Obviously, I said yes. He told me to
call his mum when I woke up, and to ask her to look inside of a vent in his
bedroom, he had hid a note there when he was 10 years old. I explained that his
mum refused to talk to me, and would never answer one of my calls. He just
laughed and promised he’d ask her to.
He hugged me one last time, humming a song from years ago
that he used to like in my ear, and pushed me through the door. As soon as I
stepped through Sunny and the place I was just in turned into wind and blew
away. The door slammed shut and disappeared, I was left in darkness.
I woke up in the hospital. I had hit my head when I had my
seizure and knocked myself out. My boyfriend was sitting beside me, asleep,
listening to his iPod. I took one earphone out of his ear and put it in mine,
trying to calm myself. It was the same song that Sunny had hummed to me before
pushing me through the door.
I was completely convinced it was a dream since I had hit my
head. It seemed so real, but I believed it wasn’t. When I got home I decided I
had to prove to myself that it was a dream and called his mum. The phone rang
eight times, I was about to hang up and be done with it, she NEVER answers my
calls so this was typical, but before I could put it down I heard her answer
and whisper my name, in disbelieve. I decided to just get straight to the point
and asked her to find the note. She didn’t question me, and I heard her running
up the stairs, then tearing his room apart. After about ten minutes I heard her
gasp and break down crying. I asked if
it was there…it had been EXACTLY where he said it would be. I asked her what it
said…
“I’m never want to leave this place”
